Take the Anti-Smoker’s Oath!

If you want to dedicate yourself to the battle against the evils of tobacco, be sure to take the anti-smoker’s oath:

I, (state your name) SWEAR by Apollo the physician, and Aesculapius, and Health, and All-heal, and all the gods and goddesses, that, according to my ability and judgment, I will keep this Oath and this stipulation, and hold these things to be true and self-evident, and unquestionable:

– The acceptance of risk related to smoking is exactly equal to the act of suicide.
– Death is always preferable to smoking.
– Suicide causes less harm to oneself and to others than smoking does.
– Smoking in every and all cases equals death and destruction and disease
– I have an inalienable human right to never experience what I happen to find unpleasant or annoying.
– I should never have to tolerate, to any level, the behavior of others, if I happen to not agree with that behavior.
– I will care not about the opinions of others regarding their chosen behaviors which I have no experience with. For I have deemed such behavior to be pointless and completely destructive, and so it is.
– Meta-analysis from questionable sources with demonstrable bias and agendas is the last word in scientific inquiry.
– My opinions have been absolutely validated as being correct solely through acts of revealed truth and proclamation.

While I continue to keep this Oath unviolated, may it be granted to me to enjoy an inflated sense of self-righteousness and the practice of puritanical tyranny, which is respected by all who matter, in all times! But should I trespass and violate this Oath, may the reverse be my lot!

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  1. Jonathan Woodward

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