The Story of Mike Hunt, GroundZero East and a Panzer Noob

I recently had a run-in with one of the most pitiful, saddest, pathetic, little excuses for a human I’ve ever encountered. I got such a kick out of this guy that I had to write an entry about him. People never cease to amaze me, and the ability of some to delude themselves with pathetic, false, self-aggrandizement is stunning. So, here’s the story of the saddest little person I’ve met in quite a while:

Every so often, in my spare time, I will sometimes play a video game called “Wolfenstien: Enemy Territory.” It’s a first person shooter set in WWII that’s played over the Internet. Now, in order to fully grasp this story, you’ll need a little background on the game. First of all, in order to play you must connect to a remote server. There are a few hundred of these servers, and each server hosts a game that can be populated by anywhere from about ten to sixty people or so. The vast majority of these servers are free to use, and there is never a problem finding a server to play on as the demand doesn’t come anywhere close to straining the supply. (a lot of these servers are empty at any given time)

Now, in this game there are various weapons that you can use and one of these weapons is commonly referred to as a “Panzer.” The panzer is basically an anti-tank, rpg. Now, the thing about using the panzer in the game is that it doesn’t take very much skill or practice in order to be effective with it. Basically, you point it, you shoot it, and anything that happens to be standing close to where your shot lands is obliterated. So, a lot of new players to the game will often choose this weapon until they gain proficiency with other weapons, as it allows them to be effective in the game, even at their modest level of skill. Because of this fact the term “Panzer Noob” has become popular jargon in the game. Someone who is new to the game and not very good, who uses the panzer weapon, is referred to as a “Panzer Noob.” However, there is another phenomena which occurs in the game regarding the panzer.

The panzer is, as I stated earlier, a very effective weapon, and some players protest their use. The reason for this is that these players are able to be easily killed in the game by these “panzer noobs” who are much less experienced players than they are. The same person, the “panzer noob,” would never be able to challenge them if using another weapon. But, with the panzer, the less skilled of the two can be effective against the more skilled of the two. So, panzer use is resented by some of the more skilled players. However, with that being said, it’s not only under- skilled players that use panzers. On the contrary. Some of the most skilled players in the game will often use panzers because the panzer serves a specific purpose. There are certain situations in the game where the use of a panzer is essential to effectively deal with a certain problem. But, that doesn’t matter to some players. To some, if you use a panzer, you’re a “panzer noob” no matter what, and they will be vocal about their opinion. Kill a certain player with a panzer, and you’ll get a message come through: “You panzer noob!” Or, “Learn how to play, NOOB!” Or, “You suck, you noob!” Or something similar.

To me, I’ve always found this a little ridiculous, for a few reasons. (1) Panzers are an ever-present part of the game. If you can’t deal with being killed by a panzer, you should probably shut-up and find another game to play, because it’s going to happen to you A LOT. And, you should know that going in. After being killed by a panzer, commenting to the player who killed you is just sour-grapes, nothing more. It’s just being a poor loser. (2) Well, hey, I MAY be a “panzer noob”, but YOU’RE the one who’s dead. So, go ahead and say whatever you like as I run around playing the game some more and you’re twiddling your thumbs, watching me do it, while you wait for your re-spawn time to be up. (3) It’s just a silly, meaningless, stupid game that people play for light entertainment. What difference does it make if someone is a “panzer noob” or not? By some people’s reactions, you’d think they view the use of such a weapon in the game as some sort of major, personal character flaw, and that’s just sad and pathetic.

The other thing you need to know about this game is that there are a number of roles you can take. These are: Soldier, Medic, Engineer, Field Operative and Covert Operative. If you do well at the specific tasks that each role is responsible for, you gain rank in that particular class. As you go along, you gain stars. When you achieve four stars for any particular class, you receive, as reward, some special ability. If you gain 4 stars as a medic, for example, you gain an adrenalin shot that you can administer on yourself which pumps up your stamina for a short duration. If you gain 4 stars as an engineer, you gain a flak jacket that diverts a little damage taken when you’re shot at, etc. Each class has a reward, and if you are able to get 4 stars in each of the classes, your character will posses the reward for each class. This is desirable as it gives you a bit of an edge in the game.

Anyway here’s what happened while I was playing this game earlier on a server called: “GroundZero East” ( I was using a panzer, as I had gained 4 stars in every class except soldier and wanted the 4th soldier star. Soldiers use, among other weapons, panzers. So, by killing people with a panzer, I will gain stars as soldier. Anyway, I killed this guy with my panzer and, sure enough, a message comes up on my screen: “You panzer noob!” Obviously, some moron who can’t take it, I thought. Turns out, I was so right! So, just as a lark, I sent a message back: “The only thing worse than a panzer noob, is a noob who complains about being killed by a panzer noob.”

Well, as it turns out, this child that I had offended by obliterating his ass with my panzer, was an administrator of the server; some bone-head who could dish it out, but was too much of a infant to take it. His screen name was “Mike Hunt” (that should give you an idea of the level of intellect we’re dealing with: “Mike Hunt” very witty, creative and original. I think I remember my grandfather telling me stories of making “Mike Hunt” jokes pre-World War Two.)

So, Mr. Mike Hunt sends a message back: “No! What’s worse is when I mute, and then ban you, and you lose all your xp!” (Wow! What a threat! Please, oh please, don’t do that! ) then I get a system message that tells me that I’ve been muted. (Which means that if I type any messages, no other players will receive them.)

“You’re muted! What do you have to say now, faggot?” comes the next message from Mike Hunt. (I can’t reply, I’ve been muted)
“Cat got your tongue? Oh, I forgot, you CAN’T say anything!” comes another message.

Then, another system message: “You have been unmuted.”

Now, at this time, I was laughing my ass off. This pathetic, ineffectual, little loser actually seems drunk on his falsely perceived power. I couldn’t believe it. Am I dealing with a twelve-year old? It would certainly seem like it. He actually seems as if he feels his powers as an admin of some shitty little game server is equal to being granted some divine governance over the people of earth. How pathetic is that? What kind of a sad, deprived life must this child lead? How emotionally and mentally stunted must he be?

At this point my laughter stopped as I began to feel sorry for the guy. If he holds such an over-inflated view of his role as an admin for a useless game server, that people use largely just to kill time, he must truly be a pitiful individual. Being an admin on this game server, a largely useless and meaningless role, would seem to be the ultimate responsibility in his life. And, that’s just sad.

Anyhow, now that I was unmuted, I responded: “Ooooh, I’m so impressed, you wield such power! You’re so cool, you must get laid almost… never!”

“That’s it!” comes a response from Mr. Mike “I think it’s time to ban!” ..then a click… and another system message: “You have been banned from this server for 9999999 seconds.” or something similar to that.

Wow! He really put me in my place, let me tell you! I’ll think twice before I deal with the likes of Mike Hunt again, that’s for sure. He dealt such punishment to me, I don’t know how I’m going to cope! Oh, wait, yes I do! After about a half second, I pulled up a list of about 300 other entirely free servers, most of them better than the one Mike Hunt admins (lower ping for me, more maps available on the server, and admins who aren’t bratty little children who whine and cry: “panzer noob!” like a baby girl when someone gives them a harsh bitch-slap by obliterating their ass with a digital-rpg) and began playing again.

I just found the whole incident so comical, yet at the same time so sad and pathetic. To think that there are people out there who would take so seriously their role of administering a server that facilitates the playing of a game, that people use for light entertainment to pass some time, is just laughable. I truly pity some people. What exactly is missing from Mike Hunt’s life? Poor little guy. It would be interesting to meet such a person in real life sometime, just for observation purposes. I would find it intriguing to study such a character, such a sad, twisted, pathetic, bootless, insubstantial, little creature. If I were ever to meet Mike Hunt himself, in person, I’d give him a pat on the head and say: “There, there little fellow. Every thing’s going to be ok. I wont hurt your feelings with my big, bad, panzer anymore.” Then I’d give him a cookie and a glass of milk, and tuck him into bed. Poor little guy.

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  1. Frazier

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